I’ve been in this nasty cycle of comparison lately — comparing myself to others, to some previous version of myself, to a self-imposed expectation of who/what/where I ought to be now. I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good. I get frustrated with myself. I’m like, come on, Krystal you know better! And I do. I so know better. So now I’m dealing with shame on top of shame which is incredibly unproductive.
I’m not sure why this is coming up for me right now, why this habit is rearing its ugly head at this time, but here it is. Here’s what I do know: These feelings are based in fear, not love. So, how do I open to greater love and comfort that fearful part of myself?
I start by listening. Listening to that frightened, shadowed voice that has been ignored, denied, and silenced, who is now so desperate to be heard that it is screaming for attention, refusing to go away, begging to be heard. I sit with that fearful, forgotten part of myself, acknowledge it, and hear it out because it’s made very clear that it’s not going away until I do. Then, I go into my truest, deepest Self. I ground and root deeply there because that Self knows only unconditional love, acceptance, and Truth. I ask that real Self to come have a talk with this terrified, fit-throwing part of myself.
“It was when I stopped searching for home within others and lifted the foundations of home within myself that I found there were no roots more intimate than those between a mind and body that have decided to be whole.” — Rupi Kaur
So, to the mat I come. That conversation takes place here. Because the practice of yoga (both on and off the mat) is the process of remembering. It is listening, including, and uncovering the love we already know. It is bringing our awareness to our unwavering connection to our Truth.
“We already have everything we need. There is no need for self-improvement. All these trips that we lay on ourselves — the heavy-duty fearing that we’re bad and hoping that we’re good, the identities that we so dearly cling to, the rage, the jealousy, and the addictions of all kinds — never touch our basic wealth. They are like clouds that temporarily block the sun. But all the time our warmth and brilliance are right here. This is who we really are. We are one blink of an eye away from being fully awake.” — Pema Chödrön, Start Where You Are: A Guide to Compassionate Living
Krystal Barschig 