“May we live like the lotus at home in muddy water.” — Buddha
Earlier this week I was feeling really cranky and miserable. And then, considering my extremely privileged life, was really judgmental of my feelings. I was disappointed in myself and embarrassed of my grumpy, agitated, angry feelings. I mean, how dare I feel anything but grateful?! To make matters worse, it was a gorgeous, sunny day, which only made me feel like an even bigger, ungrateful a-hole!
In trying to reason my way out of my feelings, telling myself I didn’t “deserve” to feel them, I denied myself the opportunity to feel them fully. So, they stayed lodged right here in my throat, and here in my gut, and of course here in my left hip (which I know by now loves to house feelings like these in particular). I was so anxious to move past those feelings, thinking that the path to feeling better and connected again was to ditch that part of me which was having the uncomfortable experience so that I could slide back into the cozy, peaceful, om-it’s-all-good yoga teacher persona. But that wasn’t the course at all.
It wasn’t until I gave myself permission to feel all those murky feelings fully (in other words, go through instead of around) that I got unstuck. And finally, on the other side felt a lightness.
“There’s no ‘should’ or ‘should not’ when it comes to having feelings. They’re part of who we are and their origins are beyond our control. When we can believe that, we may find it easier to make constructive choices about what to do with those feelings.” — Mr. Fred Rogers
You can, as always, begin a practice of mindfulness right where you are, exactly as you are. Close your eyes, turn your attention inward, and spend some time sitting with what is. In this stillness you experience space between yourself and your thoughts and feelings. You watch them come and go, and you notice that you are neither your thoughts nor your feelings. This does’t mean that you don’t experience or feel them. On the contrary, you feel them fully, even allowing them to crack you wide open even, and in so doing you open to their lessons. Some thoughts and feelings come and go quickly, and some seem to stick around for a while. If they are pleasant, then enjoy, and let yourself feel good. If they are unpleasant, that’s okay. You’re okay. Keep rooting through your physical body and breathing. If the feeling is unpleasant and you get the impulse to run away, try instead of running from it to breathe into it. When we breathe fully into the feeling we clear space around it. With this spaciousness there’s now room for movement, fluidity, flow. Ahh… there’s the potential, the opportunity to become unstuck.
“You are the sky. Everything else — it’s just the weather.” — Pema Chödrön
You are something much deeper, more vast, and more constant than even the biggest of feelings. Let them come. Let them be big and messy. They will pass, and you will remain. Surrender, receive, and open to the experience.
Even when you are discombobulated, feel utter groundlessness, or just feel big feelings, the Universe within you and all around you is constant. It’s right here.
May we live like the lotus at home in muddy water… even when (perhaps especially when) we feel that we ourselves are the muddy water.
Krystal Barschig 