In my last post I wrote about opening up — about joining Henry Miller as a curious can-opener-wielding imbecile and splaying yourself and everything around you wide open because as he said: “…underneath the mess everything is marvelous.”
I believe this to be true. But what I didn’t write about is that on your quest toward those bright and shiny, feel-good, marvelous cans of heavenly light you not only might, but definitely will open some dark, uncomfortable, rotten cans first. The promised reward of a can full of glory and peace is pretty inspiring and motivating to do the work, but that’s simply not what you’re going to get every time. Have no doubt, the light is there underneath the mess, but you’ll likely have to wade in and sort through the mess first, just you and your trusty can-opener.
I know that when I open a can of fear or shame, for example, I do not want to lovingly hold and gaze into that it. In fact, my first impulse is to get rid of it by any means necessary, throw it out as quickly as possible, and create as much distance between it and myself as I can. And that’s just one single can of shit. If I open ten cans of shit in a row… I’m not so sure I want to continue with this can-opening business which I thought was going to be some romantic and marvelous endeavor.
So, the question is this: when life gets uncomfortable, your can-opener and hands are covered in bile and sludge, and you start to question your dedication to opening and uncovering, HOW in the world do you continue to cultivate and approach your process of peeling back with a sense of curiosity, and WHY might you?
“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” — Pema Chödrön
Staying with ourselves, especially when we don’t like what we see or feel, requires courage and breath. Fortunately, if we are rich in anything at all it is courage and breath. You can access both and practice staying with yourself exactly as you are right here, right now, and every moment hereafter.
Close your eyes, turn your attention inward, and just notice what you notice. Thoughts will come and go. This practice/meditation/conscious way of living is not about stopping the thoughts, but rather letting them come and go and disidentifying from them. Please be kind to yourself in the process and remember that there is no right or wrong. I happen to think that honestly staying with yourself is just about the most challenging thing to do, and so this is why we practice. Notice if a fearful or uncomfortable thought or feeling arises. You don’t have to figure it out or rationalize it; just acknowledge it’s presence.
“Take an interest in your pain and your fear. Move closer, lean in, get curious; even for a moment experience the feelings beyond labels, beyond being good or bad. Welcome them. Invite them. Do anything that helps melt the resistance.” — Pema Chödrön
Maybe this time around you stay with that thought or feeling for a millisecond. That’s a victory if every other time you ran for the hills, so to speak. Damn, you’re courageous! I bet the next time that fearful or uncomfortable thought or feeling floats into your consciousness it’ll be a little less scary and a little less painful to endure. Perhaps you’ll let it stick around a little longer and eventually investigate a bit. All the while, remember that your breath is always there for you.
“Don’t rush through the experiences and circumstances that have the most capacity to transform you.” — Rob Bell
If you’re seeking the comfortable and seamless route, well then this being an awakened human business ain’t it. If, on the other hand, you’re up for the journey in which you honestly get to know yourself and become the person you are meant to be, then here we go!
“There is a common misunderstanding among all the human beings who have ever been ever been born on earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable… A much more interesting, kind and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our curiosity is bitter or sweet. To lead a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we are committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of pain, we’re going to run; we’ll never know what’s beyond that particular barrier or wall or fearful thing.” — Pema Chödrön
Krystal Barschig 