Some dear friends whom I haven’t seen in years were passing through town over the weekend, and so we got to spend some time together. Like dear, old friends do, we jumped right back in as if no time at all had passed and nothing had changed. But something about them had changed.
These friends are a married couple in their fifties, and in the 10 years that I’ve known them (and from stories they’ve shared about the decades before we met) they’ve faced plenty of hardship, heartbreak, and disappointment, and have generally struggled a lot. From what I can tell, these past few years in which we haven’t seen each other haven’t been any easier for them. In fact, they seem to have been arguably more challenging than the previous few. And yet they said that this past year was probably the best year of their lives.
We spent just 24 hours together over the weekend, but from what I observed, this is the best way I can describe what I think changed about them: They stopped asking, “This is it?!” and instead started declaring “THIS is IT! This IS it!”
Last week I wrote about Pema Chödrön’s advice to “feel the feeling and drop the story.” Look, truth be told, if dropping the story was as easy as just flipping a switch, we all would have done it already. But often it’s not so simple. The stories we tell ourselves about ourselves are deeply physiologically, psychically, and socially engrained in us, and their undoing is complex and multi-faceted. Noticing the story is step one, and deciding to change it is step two, but the subsequent steps are a long, often non-linear commitment to cutting the loop, interrupting the pattern, dropping the story, and really being present with what is. It takes work and practice.
There are many ways to approach this kind of editing. One way is from the top-down (mind to body), and another is from the bottom-up (body to mind). Every technique that comes to my mind is a hybrid of the two as the body and mind are so intertwined. Meditation and yoga are tools I like to use for mental re-writing, physical confusing, re-patterning, and re-wiring. You can begin right here and now like this:
Close your eyes and turn your attention inward. First bring attention to your physical body. Notice it exactly as it is. Then open to mental awareness; watch your thoughts. Do you have a story you tell yourself which isn’t useful? Which leads you down a rabbit hole of self-loathing, anger, or jealousy?
Perhaps it’s something like: my hard work isn’t appreciated. I’m unloveable. I make bad choices. I’m a failure. I have bad balance. I’m not strong enough. I’m not courageous enough. I’m not creative enough. Or maybe it’s more like: I’m a crappy parent. I’m a mean person. Or how about this one: I’m too tired.
If you have one right now, allow it to come to the forefront of your mind. If one isn’t presenting itself to you right away, I will generously lend or even gift you one of mine — I have plenty! 😉 No, but seriously, just set the intention to notice and stay open to noticing, and in time one will come up. Repeat your story to yourself a few times. Really let it land. Notice if you experience anything in your body.
And now, change the words of your story to something more useful, something which inspires and empowers you instead of keeps you small and down-trodden. So if, for example, you said, “I’m incapable,” your new story could simply be, “I am capable.” If you previously told yourself, “I am a failure,” you might now say, “I am a success.” “I’m not courageous enough,” can be changed to “I have all the courage I need.” If just moments ago you told yourself, “I’m not strong enough,” you don’t have to go all the way to “I’m the strongest person in the world” because if your story so completely offends your senses, you’ll reject it straight away. But you could say, “My strength is growing right now,” or “I’m getting stronger every day.”
Don’t worry if you believe your new story whole-heartedly yet or not. If our identities (which we construct from these stories) are like clothes that we wear, just try on this new set of clothes. See how this new outfit feels. Repeat your new story a few times. Breath it in… all the way into your heart and belly. Let it land. Notice if you experience anything in your physical body. Allow this new phrase/your amended story to be your mantra for today. Keep repeating and coming back to this statement. Notice when it gets challenged.
Another component of changing your story and flipping “This is it?!” into “THIS. IS. IT!” is, of course, choosing gratitude.
“Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity. It can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger into a friend. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.”
— Melody Beattie
Krystal Barschig 