As a Type A, anal-retentive, control-freaky kinda person, I’ve been instructed once or twice in my life to “let go.” It sounds pleasant and lovely, this effortless, ethereal letting go thing they speak of… just one question: How the hell does one “let go”?! Like how do I actually do that? I can’t just poof, let go! Certainly there must be a series of steps that take me from obsession to whatever’s on the other side of this letting go. (Obviously I don’t have the language to describe that fantastical state of being because as the title of this post suggests, it’s a great big mystery to me.)
I’ve been sitting with this question lately, doing some inner work, and in short, I still don’t have an answer. However, I have found the motivation for trying, which feels like an important first step. (Hurrah?)
Upon the suggestion of letting go, my stubborn and defiant self asks: Why should I let go? Do I really want to let go? Because if I’m honest, I think sometimes the reel that’s playing on repeat, or the thought, or feeling, or belief, however torturous, enraging, or whatever unpleasant thing it may be serves to define and justify my rightness. I cling to my rightness because it is that with which I construct my identity. Ahh… there it is. Busted! Who am I if not my justifiable feelings, beliefs, thoughts, opinions, stories…?
Just for the hell of it I entertain the idea of this “letting go” thing, and then my next question (by the way, I have no answers, just many questions) is: What is the trade off? It damn well better be good if I’m going to forfeit this (perceived) fabric of my identity.
So I sit… and I listen… and this word drops right into my lap: freedom.
Damnit! God/Source/Love/Wisdom apparently knows just how to speak my language, and now the promise of freedom is my motivation to let go.
When I’m stuck in the cycle of holding on, I am completely captivated, held captive, by this thought/feeling/story/belief at the expense of experiencing the rest of my current and future life. And so, I decide I want to be set free from it so that I can engage with life instead of miss it altogether. What a tragic waste that would be, huh?
Now, I’ve been accused of being an indecisive person, but I am nothing if not an impatient person as well. This means that once I do finally make a decision, I want it to happen like now. Like right now. No, actually like yesterday. Therefore, I can’t wait around for anyone else to come set me free. Also, because I’ve done plenty of marinating in misery and sulking in sorrow, from what I’ve gathered from my fieldwork, ain’t no one coming along to set my mopey ass free. (Despite my attempt at self-deprecating humor here, I’m actually growing my understanding of and deepening self-compassion for my habitual responses and hope you are doing the same for yourself.)
We are the only ones who can liberate ourselves. We understand our imprisonment unlike anyone else because (big shocker!) we are our own captors. It is so messed up, isn’t it? AND also so empowering! We have the ability within us to shift from a place of victimhood to creativity, from helpless and held captive to creators of our own lives.
Unfortunately I don’t yet have a foolproof, handy-dandy, 5-step, cleverly acronym-ed program to run through each time I get caught up. However, I do believe connecting to that desire for freedom and innate creative impulse which is the shared life force within us all is part of it. I think one of the next steps on the path toward greater peace and freedom includes broadening our capacity to see the fullness of a given moment, the present moment, every moment instead of just our own singular, very narrow narrative. In other words, loosening our grip on our personal narratives, our rightness, our carefully (though often subconsciously) constructed identities in favor of expanding our capacity to see the fullness, complexity, and multi-faceted nature of the moment, story, event, or relationship will open us to the experience of peace and freedom.
Cool, right? …in theory, anyway. Now, how the heck do we put that into actual practice in our non-theoretical, real, Friday, November 19th, 2021 lives?
How about this: We have these physical bodies which are tangible things, things we can work with in real life, in real time, right now. So, what if we can approach this heady, woo-woo idea of expanding capacity by making, uncovering, accessing space in our physical bodies and choosing to be aware of the fullness, variable range, and ever-changing nature of what’s happening with our physical bodies right now?
In order to notice anything about the present moment, let alone the fullness of it, we’ve got to first be aware of and within the present moment. This requires slowing down and feeling safe. Find a safe and comfortable space for yourself. Settle into stillness, place your awareness on your breath, and let it bring you there (or is it here?) as the breath always exists in the present moment. Notice your breath, and allow it to bring you back to now again and again. Notice physical sensations existing in your body right now. If not now, then when you have the time and space I invite you to move your body in a way that cultivates your connection to your breath, supports you in exploring existing spaciousness, and allows you to unlock greater freedom within your very own body.
Once we’ve slowed down, given ourselves the experience of safety, and gently uncovered space, maybe then we just set the intention for letting go, and then do nothing. Maybe we move from our thinking mind to our knowing body and trust that our space-making has provided our mind-body the environment in which it can let go… when it’s ready… in it’s time… in it’s way.
Is this what they call surrender?
Krystal Barschig 